Reflection on My First Solo Show

Just a few days after my birthday I had the honor of having my first solo show. Although I finished my year-long residency at SRISA back in January, it was a delayed, but nice way to end things and get to see my body of work together for the first time. I've never had that opportunity before and it was surreal, to say the least. When I paint, I put a lot of intention into my pieces, they take a long time and during that time there's a lot of emotion and thought put into it. I know it's cheesy, but I believe it's true that artists put parts of their soul into their work and feeling that energy all around me in one space was quite powerful. 

When I was 16 years old, I enrolled in Advanced Visual Arts where quickly my passion expanded with the proper environment and encouragement to blossom. Just that year, I subconsciously decided that art was going to be what I was going to dedicate my life towards. I slowly started to prioritize it over everything else dropping out of other advanced courses, and spending hours every day at school either in the painting studio or ceramic studio. 

After graduating high school, I maintained my commitment to painting. Despite not wanting to pursue art academically, because everything I read and was conditioned to believe was that it would be a waste of my time and money, I pursued a degree in fashion design. Really at the time, while living in Minnesota, all I wanted was to move/go to school in NYC and all other focuses were a second thought. So, I dropped out of school and continued painting during my free time while I worked to save money and gain work experience before moving. Then, after some time, as I was planning on applying to schools, all my plans were postponed due to the pandemic. Because of this, moving to NYC switched to studying abroad in Florence as I YOLOed into a year of art school.

I don't need to go into detail, but studying abroad was the most joyful year of my life and I can't imagine not having done it. Therefore, after my year in Florence, life was difficult, I struggled going back to Minnesota and didn’t know how to step forward. After much contemplation and delay, I ended up finishing my bachelor's degree before moving back to Florence to attend my year-long residency at SRISA. 

During my most recent time in Florence, it has felt as though I have been living a dream–which sounds like bullshit, but despite the challenges I never thought I would get to dedicate so much of my time to painting. For the first time, I finally can finish paintings in weeks instead of months and discuss them with like-minded people. 

There are also so many reasons why I feel like I was meant to be here and pursue painting in the way I have, but one worth noting is that I got to come back to SRISA and continue working with the painting professor that I studied with before- Andrew Smaldone. Andrew was my first painting professor and real mentor. Originally, taking his class was a big step outside of my comfort zone, but one I desperately wanted. Over time, he has helped me get to new levels as a painter and most importantly to see things more clearly. I don't believe I would be at the level I am without his guidance and because of that, I am eternally grateful. 

In these paintings, I can see the strides I have made in learning new techniques and how to approach different subjects, textures, lighting, and expression. I now paint with a confidence that I lacked– knowing that I can resolve almost any technical challenge. This freedom of experience and knowledge has pushed me to play more with how I paint and lean less into realism-which is something that I always wanted to do but was always scared of. 

Looking at my work now, I can also see all the phases/emotions/ experiences I have had. During my phone series, I felt more upbeat and playful while during the second half of the year, I started to experience an overwhelming number of denser emotions. At the time, I was afraid to shift how I was painting because I was starting to feel successful in my work and for the first time felt a strong sense of direction.  But I pushed forward and from it learned that when I am most vulnerable in my work-sharing the parts of myself, I fear displaying- is when people connect most deeply. I had to remind myself that the best art is made when the artist is their most authentic self and expresses what they are going through. So, I shifted. I pushed myself to be vulnerable, and while I did that through my work, I also naturally started to do that more in my life. I also have noticed as I lean more into vulnerability it creates an environment for others to do the same. 

One of my biggest strengths as a painter is the sensitivity I show in my work-specifically my figures. This is something that I believe has always existed. I remember taking a figure drawing class when I was 18 and during my critique, my professor mentioned just this. Over time I have accepted and leaned into it, but this sensitivity is not separate from who I am. I am a sensitive person: I feel things deeply and fully, and I believe, now, that this is a strength of who I am, but for most of my life I considered it a weakness. It wasn't until I started to pursue my spirituality and found friends and people who aligned with me that I started to believe this, but unfortunately, like many, the society and environment I was raised in didn't have the capacity to accept, foster or see beauty in sensitivity (I think/hope this is slowly changing).

I believe I am meant to paint the beauty I see in the world, but without my sensitivity, these paintings wouldn't exist. In my work, I aim to foster understanding and connection. Connection starts with vulnerability- with a willingness to be as you are in this moment with judgment, fear, or expectation. I cannot claim to be an expert at this, I don't think I ever will, but I feel confident that I am on the right path. 

When I sat surrounded by work, I saw a collection of goddesses. I had never seen them like this before and in that moment, I realized how much honor I have towards them and how much I honor the aspects of myself I have put into them. 10 years ago, I honestly hated myself. I did not think I was beautiful, but today I do (maybe not always, but most of the time) and I can confidently say that painting has played a part in that. Painting has helped me process, grow, heal, and connect and I am so grateful to have the opportunity to do it. 

Now, as I prepare to go back to the States, to start the next chapter of my journey, I feel proud, excited, and scared, and an immense amount of love- love for others who have helped me and supported me, love for myself, and love for all the beautiful opportunities I have had thus far in my life. I never thought I would get here- it always felt like a dream impossible to reach. Now I truly believe through trust and dedication anything is possible and despite the challenges what the world needs is the power for us all to be our authentic selves.